I have this book Self-Love Workbook for Women by Megan Logan, MSW, LCSW. Megan writes, “Internalized messages from past traumatic events or childhood wounds may contribute to feelings of unworthiness, making practicing self-compassion challenging. The quickest way to create a self-compassionate response involves thinking about how you might respond to a beloved friend.”

I did the exercise in her book where you write a response to a friend about the given circumstances.

Here are the questions:

1. I just got fired from my job for making a mistake.
2. My significant other broke up with me.
3. I did not get hired for my dream job because I was underqualified.
4. My friends had a party and didn’t invite me.
5. I had to go up a dress size.

I answered them, and every single one was full of positivity, kindness, and respect.

I got where Megan Logan was going with this exercise. She wants us to realize how we talk to ourselves. I mean, if I didn’t do this exercise, and question one (above) happened to me, I would beat myself up so badly and chastise myself for making a mistake. It would take a while for me to get over beating myself up. How awful, right? Yet, the answer I wrote to show a friend empathy was, “It’s going to be okay. Mistakes happen. You know what? This was meant to be. There’s something better out there for you. You needed this shakeup. Otherwise, you might not move.”

That was sweet and kind, nothing like what I’d tell myself. And I’m sure many of us do this to ourselves, too. Why?

First, our minds are extraordinary. I’m not referring to the brain, but the mind – our thoughts. We don’t give ourselves enough credit to know we have control over the one thing that is there with us all the time – literally—our thoughts.

Even though you or I had a cheap and distorted childhood, we no longer have to keep believing we’re flawed and wear it like a heavy cloak. We can tell our minds, ourselves, that we are so worth a beautiful life and make it so. You can’t expect anyone else to do the work for you, sorry. We have to do it ourselves and make it so. And it’s hard, I know, but we have to release the pain.

But first…

We have to become our best friend. 

Being our best friend means that we have our best interests at heart and see ourselves for the precious and wonderful human beings we are. We can credit ourselves for what we’ve been through and how we’ve made it this far. But, now we need to finish the work to be happy. That might mean getting more disciplined, facing fears, and forgiving. It’s no secret that the happiest people are their own best friend and they think and speak kindly about themselves.

Did you ever hear a compliment from someone and then negate it? I have. When a person told me I looked good, and given my insecurities, I said thank you and then explained why I was worth the compliment. “I got these jeans on sale for $3.00 and hemmed them myself.” I never felt good enough or believed that others saw me differently than I saw myself. I had to learn how to see myself and love who I am. I am there now, but it took a long time; I had to revisit the past pain and shed plenty of tears, but I got through the tunnel, and so can you – so could anyone.

When you want to feel good, all you have to do is think good thoughts. I don’t know if I wrote this in another blog, but it’s worth repeating that when a negative thought comes into my mind, I immediately think of three things that are good, right and the truth.

It has helped tremendously to end the negative self-chatter. I also look in the mirror and love what I see. I love the little girl, the teenager, the young adult, and me, now older, wiser, and happier.  I’ve become my best friend, where I can think healthy, beautiful thoughts and enjoy my company because it feels good to be around myself. I know that reads odd, but you get what I mean – I like being with myself. I’m not an introvert or living a hermit life. That’s not where I’m going with this idea. I’m simply saying I enjoy solitude. It’s where I feel good and do my best work because I tell myself good things. My best friend is always with me.

If you’re not feeling the greatest about your life, try answering the questions I’ve written above like you would tell your friend. It’s remarkable how that short exercise can produce such eye-opening results about our relationship with ourselves.

Be your best friend, and life will open up like never before. When you let your walls down, you open up to the world because you know you’re not alone – there’s nothing to fear if you get rejected or hurt because you have a best friend to console, soothe, and help you heal – quickly! And you can always depend on your best friend because it’s you and you don’t want to disappoint yourself, right?

Thank you so much for reading this, and I hope this gives you food for thought and helps make your life a little happier! Take care.

To Your Best Friend,

Francesca

P.S. I included photos of myself to let you all know that I never thought I was pretty enough or good enough in any of those photos at the time they were taken. Thankfully, with a lot of work, I can look at the photos and love the images I see and tell her she was always beautiful, inside and out.