Here I sit now and let it all out. I have kept myself hidden all my life because of shame and the belief that I was not good enough. As I type this, my leg is shaking, and I’m nervous about writing any of this. I will have apprehension and doubts and probably want to delete it for fear of judgment, criticism, or that I don’t want to share anything negative on a public platform where I’m trying to develop my brand, FrancescaME. Yes, that’s right, my brand. That is the first time I have ever written that word, brand, associated with me.  It felt weird to type it, but this is the world we live in now; to become successful, you need a “brand.”

Today is a brand new day. There I go again with the word “brand.” I’ve got it on my mind. FrancescaME is who I am. I was “Jussme,” but that was the hurt me, hiding. I’m Francesca 2.0; I’ve updated my programming to the optimal way to live my life. Thank you, Jesus! It’s about freaking time!

I have wasted so many years hiding, protecting myself from any more mental and physical pain. As Francesca 1.0, I let the world weigh on my shoulders, lived life small, and felt cheated out of the life I wanted. I didn’t take myself seriously, so how did I expect others to take me seriously?

I was lost, but now I’m found.

Each time I chose to spend time organizing, cleaning, or planning with my Happy Planner stuff (it involved using stickers, washi tape, markers, highlighters, and a lot of creativity,) I denied myself the time to send out a query letter for my books, do something with my songs, or send out job applications to the career I deserve. I protected myself by keeping busy, so I didn’t have to see the so-called “elephant in the room.” Only mine was pushing tyrannosaurus rex size, which was getting harder and harder to ignore.

I’ve felt stagnant for many years, blaming this or that, but the reality was that pain had enveloped my surroundings like a tyrannosaurus rex circling its prey. And until I dealt with it, it would hang around masked as negativity and self-doubt and keep me anchored to the past. I followed my safe friend, Mr. Excuse’s prescription for life: Do something that keeps you busy enough so you won’t think about the pain. Only it should be: Do little, get little.

Excuses do not help us; they fool us into believing we have a legitimate reason for not being, having, or doing what we truly want. Oh, I’ve been so busy! I have moved around this house like a Roomba® picking up this and that. I made to-do lists in my planner of things that would lead me towards my goals of earning a living writing, but I didn’t get to it because Roomba® was tidying the house or getting involved with another project!

“Busy” became my reason for why I had not sent out my writing, and those reasons stemmed from fears and the deep seeded belief that I was somehow flawed. Why couldn’t I be like other people who seemed happy and secure? Or be “normal” (whatever that is)? You know, that is just crazy ass shit we learned as little kids. The damn negativity that comes from excuses got stuck on me like maple syrup, and I’m here to tell you that it’s possible to get that sticky negative crap off for good. All we have to do is want to find the soap!

Well, I found the soap, and I’m coming clean—no more hiding. It’s interesting how I applaud authentic people but have not done that for myself for reasons I need to share now.

Francesca 1.0 hoped not to offend anyone or make any waves. I did my thing quietly and alone, writing for years in solitude, where I allowed relationships to wane, and worked part-time to have more time to devote to writing my books and other creative projects. I also unconsciously feared that if I got attention for the work I produced, I would have to answer for my past, so I would not send anything out to agents or publishers. Again, citing I was too busy.

Each of us has had to deal with some pain in our lives. We are human, and unless you are a hermit and have no interaction with other humans, then there’s a possibility that painful situations happen. That’s the reality of being alive.

However, different degrees of pain and suffering exist, and people interpret experiences differently. From my perspective, I have experienced a lot of mental and physical pain in my life, but I am not writing this to rant or complain. I want to share this to show that it is okay to be who you are. We need to embrace our scars as much as our happy moments. There cannot be light without darkness.

My family, not unlike many others, had dysfunction. I was the family scapegoat for the insecurity, pain, and anguish. Then I moved on to be other people’s scapegoat (i.e., friends, colleagues, etc.) – and with a brain like mine (a sponge), I absorbed it all. I have been in mental health therapy for years, working on healing my wounded soul to move on with my life.

I’ve also been in denial for a long time and used the excuse of being busy to focus on the positive stuff. Still, reminders would happen and create a chain reaction where I sobbed uncontrollably and felt so much pain.

I thought I was depressed and sad, but it wasn’t that; crying was helping me finally feel the pain I had blocked in my brain (to protect me) and get it out of me so I could truly move on. I wanted to be free from the memories of who I am and feared judgment and criticism – and disapproval would happen if I embraced my scars.

Recently, things have been surfacing, making me cry so hard. I wondered, why now? It’s because I’m strong enough now to deal with it. We can only process what we are capable of at that time in our lives when we can handle the pain constructively. I couldn’t get there for most of my life. I stopped short of feeling the real deep down feelings that have been putting my life on pause and causing me so much anguish. But I am there now, and I am okay!

A chunk of my life has passed me by because I was in a constant state of “need to fix my life.” I’ve lived in the shadows and kept quiet a lot. I didn’t go after what I wanted and made excuses for not doing what I loved to do because I believed “X, Y, and Z” was more important. And that kept me stuck.

I could blame people for what happened to me, but that won’t get me anywhere. The same is true for you. All blaming does is keep you a victim, perpetually letting someone have control of your life. When I stopped blaming myself and others, I began to take responsibility for my life and realized I was in charge of where my life goes!

I couldn’t break free from the dysfunctional shackles I wore for years and years of believing I was not good enough and that something was wrong with me. I learned that, and it became my subconscious mind guiding me. Now, I know those negative thoughts and beliefs are complete bullshit. That’s Francesca 2.0, baby!

I came from a place of confusion, mistrust, and chaos. My little brain sponge absorbed all the nonsense, and I believed it. As children, our underdeveloped brains cannot decipher truth from fiction, and unfortunately, we believe everything said to us. I’m sure there’s a higher power that hopes caretakers, influencers, and family would raise little people to be happy and well-adjusted and love themselves. Sadly, that was not the case with me.

It’s like this, I’ve kept my wounds covered with a “bandaid” to protect myself. Sure, I’ve opened the bandaid a few times to let people see the wounds, but then I covered it again. I could not let go of the bandaid because I’d have to be authentic, and I didn’t know how to be that person. I felt much more comfortable letting people see  20%-50% of me, depending on who it was.

Gosh, I felt so flawed and bad for being me! Can you imagine? Where the hell did that shit come from? Well, what I wrote above: the family, caretakers – and influencers. And there have been many influencers I allowed to fuck with my head. It’s time to come clean and take off the bandaid; I don’t need it anymore. It’s time I get acknowledged for me –> Jussme –> FrancescaME.

To be continued.

Thank you for reading!

Here’s to living a hell of a good life,

Francesca