My now-husband took this photo of me in 2013 at Lake Jean at Ricketts Glen State Park (beautiful waterfalls.) At that time, I was in hiding, terribly so. My hair was red. I wanted a change. I knew I needed to save myself, but I didn’t know how.

I was born blonde. That little girl had no idea what she was in for, but she had the inner strength to handle it. She would be the only one to save herself.

We are programmed since birth (don’t let anyone tell you otherwise – we aren’t born with innate knowledge that works against our best interest.) Depending on the type of programmers who initiated the words and actions, a child grows up to either love themselves or not. And as a child, we have no control over our environment. We are stuck.

Like a dog who obeys and is so happy to be given good attention, it won’t fight back when its caretaker hits it. The dog is programmed to obey. And we all know a dog, no matter what size, can do significant damage to our skin. A tiny dog bit me as a kid, and its teeth punctured through my velvet pants and into my skin. Now, picture a big dog’s ability to defend itself.  You get the picture. No matter what a pet “owner” does to the animal, it would take a lot for a trained dog to fight back. Most likely, it would coward down when getting hit by a caretaker. You could see shame in their eyes, even if they didn’t do anything wrong.

People are no different. Our “training” begins at birth. Great parents show love and tough love and know the balance necessary for raising a child with good self-worth. If you are one of those lucky folks who had such parents, you are blessed. Most parents don’t know what the hell they are doing raising little people. The measure of a good parent lies in their ability to be patient and kind to themselves and their offspring.

Kids learn every which way – from watching, listening, even sleeping. Our brains are sponges soaking up all sorts of information that surrounds us. And trauma, no matter what it is, sends a lot of negative stuff into the brain all at once. If it happens as a kid (and even beyond), we aren’t capable of processing trauma without help, so it gets pushed back into the mind’s recesses to keep quiet and not start trouble. Even the bold and outspoken kids (and adults) don’t really want trouble. They want to be acknowledged. Trauma doesn’t like to keep quiet, and it wants to start trouble and creating drama helps to avoid reality.

The human mind is incredible. Few take advantage of its ability to heal. Instead, we lead numb lives in which we placate our pain with things that distract us from it. I thought red hair was going to change my life into one where I was leading the battle. Instead, I got hit by enemy soldiers, which was quite painful.

For some reason, I don’t know (maybe I was looking for approval that I never got). I went over to my parent’s house after I had my hair done at the salon. I walked into the back door, and my parents were in the kitchen. Immediately, I heard my mother shout, “What did you do? It looks horrible!” I don’t remember the exact words my father said, but they were equally harmful. They didn’t sugarcoat anything and blurt out between clenched teeth, “It looks amazing!”. No, they gave their opinions regardless of how it would affect me. It wasn’t a shock since I was familiar with their brutality with words.

As you can imagine, tears filled my eyes as I left their home hastily without putting up any argument. I thought I looked pretty with the dark color, but at that time, I would have never argued for my honor. The next day, I called the hair salon and got a possible fix to get rid of the red dye. Dawn dishwashing liquid got poured all over my head several times, and I watched the red dye and money go down the drain. And yes, Dawn does strip the hair of color dye and moisture.

My hair color turned into a strawberry blonde that I liked, but I elected to go back to blonde, which took several trips to the salon with bleach and color.

As you can see, my hair was dry and damaged from all the processing.

Now, I know some folks reading this might think it was silly of me to want to change my hair color (which I liked) just because my parents gave me a negative review. It wasn’t just that review. The compilation of many negative “reviews,” experiences, and physical and emotional abuse gave me the knee-jerk reaction that I made a horrific mistake with my hair color.

A human brain can only take so much trauma before it wants to run and avoid it at the slightest opportunity for more trauma. That’s why some folks become paranoid, skittish, or nervous. They don’t want any more trouble. And a brain can get so scarred that the scars run the program, not the healthy-thinking part.

I’ve lived through a lot of painful situations at the hands and mouths of my parents. Maybe they didn’t know any better. Maybe they did, I don’t know. I never got an acknowledgment for the role they played in my childhood abuse and beyond into my adulthood – middle age adulthood – where words were their paddle or strap. And even when I asked for an apology, I never got it. That sent a message to my mind that I was not worthy of such a noble gesture. I lived with that belief for many years.

Thankfully, now I know that the only way to happiness is to save ourselves. That means rolling up our sleeves, getting out the tissues, and digging down deep to reach that little child who keeps screaming for help, but you keep ignoring her. Though I am not a doctor or medical personnel and am not giving any medical advice, I do believe that illness is a direct result of ignoring our past pain.

As I already wrote, our minds are incredible. I had to write it again because I want to reinforce that as much as we learned as kids, we can learn even better stuff as adults that will serve our lives better, make us feel better, and absolutely help us be happy. Isn’t that the life goal for most of us? I know it is for me.

Some tips that help me to save myself are:

• Distance yourself from those who hurt you.
• Love yourself. Look in the mirror every day and tell yourself, “I love myself. I like myself. I am worthy of love.  
• Distance yourself from those who hurt you.
• Tell yourself positive affirmations. I listen to this type of video in the morning.  
• Distance yourself from those who hurt you.
• Focus on the life you want to live that makes you happy, and do those freakin’ things! 
• Distance yourself from those who hurt you.
• Allow positive influences in your life (like people who respect you.)
• Distance yourself from those who hurt you.
• Make positive thoughts louder than the noise that hurts. 
• And, of course, distance yourself from those who hurt you.

Look, I’m not implying to run away from everyone who hurts you and live a lonely, hermit-like existence. I’m referring to something like my situation where I have been around people for a very long time who continued to hurt me because I allowed it. Until I learned how to love myself more and believe that I am worth more than subjecting myself to disrespect and disregard just for the sake of loving and giving my attention to a family facade, I couldn’t be free to be me. I chose to save myself.

Save yourself. We all have the ability and right to live happy lives, but it’s up to us. We either want to grow and evolve, or we don’t, and that’s our choice. It’s important to note that only when we face our pain can we grow up into the version of ourselves we saw in us as a wide-eyed kid who believed anything was possible.

To saving ourselves,

Francesca