I couldn’t come up with any other title for this post. Here’s why. I pay attention to my surroundings. I learned that behavior the hard way from being harmed in the past. I have been on guard since I was a child, waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it has never stopped. Most days, I’m a ball of nerves. I can’t relax, can’t quiet my mind. It can be exhausting. I don’t even feel safe in the home I’ve lived in for the past 28 years. Though I’ve known it was time to move on for many years now, I’m still here.

Really?

Do you find yourself complaining (like I do) about a life situation: the job, the house, the kids, or whatever? I think complaining is a way to deal with disappointment from the lack of control over things. At least, that’s why I did it. It brings forth the angst we feel about something. However, the more we complain, the less control we have. It becomes an endless loop.

I try to pay closer attention to how many times I complain. Being mindful and grateful helps, but lately, I’ve had it and need to move on, yet I’m still here.

Really?

Most of us learned that the F word was bad. If we said it, we were in trouble. But I think we learned about the wrong F word. The one that rhymes with truck is a “bad” word, but there’s another F word that’s even worse for us: fear.

Fear is supposed to be a protective thinking process that our ancestors used to save their lives. The cave dwellers feared their prey and other dangers, which made them vigilant and aware of their volatile surroundings. I wonder if any cavemen or women watched the stars at night, relaxed and calm. They probably slept with their spears, just in case.

But fear has followed our species all the way to now. That fight-or-flight response isn’t needed so much today since we’ve evolved as a species, but we still use it, and for some, fear is debilitating. Like living 28 years in a home, I didn’t choose, want, or love. I’ve shown appreciation in the form of keeping it clean and nice, to have a nice place to live, but it was also due to fear of being judged. And I wasted so much time caring more about what someone else thought than what my mind was thinking.

Really.

When we don’t do something we want to do, fear rears its awful hold on us. Fear keeps us stuck. Read that again. Our minds play words and images all day and night, and we guide ourselves by those internal movies. When we have self-doubt or feel like something is impossible, fear throws a black sheet over the truth. Fear makes the truth invisible. It seems easier to live with it and not do anything to get rid of it. Just let it take over and run our lives.

Really?

F no! How about that? Every single thing we do is a choice. It’s either done consciously, where we know what we’re doing, or it’s a subconscious action we’re not even aware of that is guiding us on cruise control. Do you know where your subconscious is taking you? For me, it has taken me down a road of fear for too long now. And like our ancestors of millions of years ago, I’ve been living the fight or flight response more than living an empowered, conscious existence where I choose what I want to do and achieve goals. That’s what fear does.

Really.

Some people have learned the crafty art of manipulation and use fear to get what they want. Marketing and advertising firms bank on fear. They aim to shake us up and create emotional responses to do or buy something. And it works on a lot of us.

Pay close attention to what you think. You may be surprised at how many times you think something negative about yourself. I used to feel defeated applying for jobs. Before a company could dismiss my application, I dismissed the opportunity in my mind. And when I took the time to figure out why I was doing that, I realized it was all based on fear. What if it was too hard? What if I couldn’t keep up with the fast pace? What if it left me with no energy left for the things I really want to do (writing, singing)? That’s why I went for the easy jobs, the ones where I didn’t have to give too much of myself. I had a teaching job that exhausted the shit out of me. I couldn’t stand it. I would literally come home and fall asleep. It was not for me. I let fear convince me that teaching was a noble and respectable profession, and I had to do it. I learned to believe that from someone close to me who put his agenda onto me, and because I had so much self-doubt, I didn’t believe I deserved what was right for me.

Really.

I wonder how many of us are doing a job we don’t like because someone else told us that’s what we should do. I absolutely love people who defy the opinions of others and live a unique life that makes them happy. And they feel happy. You can sense it. Were you ever around someone who makes you feel comfortable and secure? That’s because they are comfortable and secure. You’re getting that energy. And we can also get the opposite from people, where fear and insecurity take over.

Really.

When we care about what someone else thinks of us, we are playing into fear’s hand. We fear we’re not good enough just being ourselves, and there’s something we need to do so that they approve of us. Wow. That’s the worst kind of fear, worse than a fear of heights. With a fear of heights, all you have to do is step away from the height and return to a safe space. But a fear of judgment stays with us wherever we go and infiltrates our thoughts – causing us pain.

Really.

To stop the fear, we only need to change our thoughts. Depending on how much damage repetition caused us growing up, we may need to repeat new messages for a long time. Changing thoughts requires patience and consistency. Taking a pill will not help you change your thoughts. It may soften the noise so that you can function with more ease, but it doesn’t help us evolve and change for the better.

Really.

See if you can catch yourself thinking a self-defeating thought and change it immediately to something positive. For me, thinking I can’t do something turned into, “I can do that.” And think or say it matter-of-factly. Think or say it like you mean it and really mean it!

Really!

Thank you for reading. I hope this helps to simplify the complexity of our minds and how to be happy.

To having a really, really good life,

Francesca