If you read my other blogs, Tyrannosaurus Rex is in the House! or It’s Not  Good Grief, Charlie Brown! this is a continuation.

I’ve recently had this mind-altering experience where I can finally process everything I’ve been through up to this point. And let me tell you, it’s been so painful but necessary. I can look at myself in the mirror now and love what I see. It’s like I’m seeing myself for the first time in my life. Seriously, it’s incredible.

So, what happened? Why am I exploding onto the Internet my life secrets and shame? I believe it’s a combination of years of mental health therapy, reading tons of self-help, and personal development books, doing the work in workbooks, doing the exercises found in books, journaling, and most recently, a mental health therapy called EMDR.

I had been seeing therapists on and off since I was 14 years old when I asked my father (who was a school guidance counselor) if I could talk to someone outside of the house. Don’t ask me why I knew to do that because I don’t know. He took me to The Bridge.  He must have learned about it through his job. I spoke to a woman there who said that it wasn’t all my issues I had to deal with, but it was a family issue.

Two counselors came to the house if I remember. They asked a few questions to us, my siblings and me, and my mother rudely asked them to leave. I don’t remember the conversations exactly, but it was something like the counselors had asked how things in the house were. My mother had just returned from a visit to Germany, and we were on our own while she was gone since my father worked several jobs to support the family.  While my mother was away, the house was peaceful. My older brother and sister didn’t bother me. We acted sort of like a family. It was great.

I believe (not 100%, though) that my oldest brother said something like it was nice in the house while my mother was away. That set my mother off, and it was not pretty. My family never got therapy again as a group. I went on my own and bounced around to many different therapists, but the one I have now is excellent. She recommended a therapy called EMDR since I have had childhood and sexual trauma. I had never heard of it, but I did some research. Click for more information on EMDR if you are interested in learning about it.

Let me tell you, this EMDR therapy is amazing.  I went through some crazy shit in my life and have beaten myself up a lot for it, and it skewed my thinking that I was not good enough and would fail.

Being truthful (and hopefully, I don’t come across as an arrogant jerk trying to hock her goods because that is not what this is), I have written two novels, working on a third, a screenplay, short stories, several children’s books, a non-fiction book about grieving the loss of a pet, and two television shows. I earn zero dollars from them sitting in a filing cabinet. Granted, they are not up to the same writing level I have now, but they are great stories and ideas, and it’s an easy fix to edit them. I’ve done all the hard work, actually writing them. But I would not share it (except for a few people) and have left part of my soul locked inside a filing cabinet. Wow, it’s pretty extreme to see those words in print.

I didn’t know the whole reason why I wouldn’t send them out, but I’m pretty sure my subconscious mind believed I was not good enough. Thankfully, the EMDR therapy has knocked those wrong, distorted thoughts out of my mind, and I feel free.

This EMDR therapy, and all the years of seeing therapists, has finally allowed me to heal and be me. Oh, Gosh, that is bringing tears to my eyes. It’s true, though. I was afraid to acknowledge who I am because that would mean I would have to acknowledge that I felt pain, so much pain that I was not dealing with effectively. I used excuses to fool myself I had too much to do and couldn’t follow through with my goals.

Oh, sure, I talked to my guy and the therapists or friends I was close to about the situations and people that hurt me, but even though I got it out, I was still stuck. I kept searching for the answers anywhere I could find them. So, I think this EMDR therapy has worked and done what it’s supposed to because I feel amazing! I mean, I’m still stuck in a job that I am burnt out on and want to move out of this house like yesterday, but I feel complete and super strong. I also feel like the shame that once felt so overwhelming has dissolved.  So I’m giving this EMDR therapy a thumbs up! I was skeptical since it was so simple and easy, but it worked!

Then, of course, being an overthinker, I mused, why couldn’t I have just kept writing blogs like,  “5 Ways to Speak Kinder,” or “How to Be Nice Without Being Bullied?” It would have been fine to share my knowledge and experience in blogs to help someone with feel-good pieces. I didn’t have to go to the extreme of sharing my life and very private stuff. Who wants to read that? We all have skeletons, family drama, and problems. Boo hoo, who cares, right?

I do.

So, I want everyone to see me. Whether you like my content, story, or messages, or not, I still want you to see me. I want to be authentic and finally be okay with being me. I used to believe I needed to be perfect to be okay sharing who I am; now I  know I just need to be me.

This is me — > Jussme — > Francesca M.E.

Thank you for reading.

Francesca