Once upon a time, I plummeted from the actions and words of jerks. I allowed the pain to seep into my consciousness, affecting me rather poorly. I felt less than, not worthy, and embarrassed for what someone told me in a jerky way that I was doing wrong. Essentially, I let them beat me up, and then I continued the job for them each time I allowed the scenario to play out again in my head.

Being in therapy taught me a lot, but I couldn’t get to the anger root until a few years ago. During my “therapy till you die tour” I met with an older male therapist who had listened to why I was there (why I didn’t send out my writing) and then gave me a workbook about anger. I thought the guy didn’t know what he was talking about and I moved on from him quickly! Anger? What was he talking about? I was there to get help figuring out why I won’t send out my stuff.

After I calmed down from feeling angry, I realized the guy was onto something. I did the exercises in the workbook and wow! I saw on the pages the anger I felt toward myself. That morphed into depression, sadness, anxiety, and frustration, but I still couldn’t acknowledge where the anger came from; otherwise, I’d have to see the truth around me: that those close to me chose to hurt me. And I was so angry with my life situation. That pendulum swung to the angry side, and I got fired up!

Unfortunately, a young woman at Starbucks in Barnes & Noble was at the receiving end of my newfound “power.” My guy ordered a tall coffee, and I ordered what I wanted. The barely out-of-high-school young lady didn’t hear me and asked me again for my order. I told her, tall decaf with a shot of pumpkin spice. She didn’t hear me again. With vile enough to be a Marvel villain, I said, “Do I speak Portuguese?” The young woman shook a little, looked terrified, and worked on the orders.

I became a jerk.

After that, my guy would jokingly say if we were in a similar situation, “Don’t go Portuguese on them, okay?”  It became a thing. Sure, we laughed about it, but it wasn’t funny.  I was letting out my anger and frustration on the wrong people who didn’t deserve it. You know, the poor saps who were easy targets instead of addressing the real issues with those responsible. And I was number one on the list.

Those who know me probably can’t picture me being a tough ass, but I am one. It wasn’t always that way, though. I used to be sweet and kind, moved mountains for friends and family, and repeatedly put my needs last in the hierarchy of happiness. But I learned instead of being respected for that; I was taken advantage of, mocked, and abused for being a good person.

How can that be?

Is it because a lot of people are jerks, too?

Webster’s dictionary defines “jerk” as a noun: 1a an annoyingly stupid or foolish person; 1b an unlikeable person especially: one who is cruel, rude, or small-minded, i.e., a selfish jerk. (It also means “moving suddenly,” but I’m focusing on the noun.)

I was the first part of the definition, a foolish person because I wasn’t aware of my actions and how they affected someone else. Sure, I could come up with situations where I was annoyingly stupid (more so to myself), but again, I didn’t know any better; I had a faulty program going on in my head. I was hurt and didn’t know how to process it. I learned those painful lessons (repeatedly – I had a lot of muck to sift through in my head), but through the pain, we grow, and I have grown a lot. You’d think I’d be a giant by now!

So here are my answers to the question, How Do You Deal With Jerks?

1. When you’re in a situation where someone says or does something to you that is rude, mean, or hurts you in any way, take a breath. Use that breathing time to think and get to a calm place. Breathe in the thought, “no stress,” breathe out, “I’m calm.” Once you feel confident, you’re there, reply in an even manner, “Why did you say that? (or Why did you do that?)  By asking a question, you put the responsibility back to them to create awareness of why they are doing the action. It might backfire, especially if multiple people are involved, where you have to deal with an even bigger jerk, but that’s okay; hold your ground, breathe, and think the thoughts.
2. Jerks are wounded people. They are acting out the pain they cannot deal with properly. It’s like when you stub your toe on a piece of furniture, and by golly, that furniture probably hears a lot of nasty things! Was it the furniture’s fault for being there? No. You bumped into it. It’s your fault for rushing or not being careful. You got wounded and lashed out at the thing that caused you pain. Now think of someone you know who’s nasty or says hurtful things to you. Are you at fault, or are you an easy target to help them feel more in control to avoid feeling their pain – and acknowledge that it’s them who has the problem, not you?
3. Think compassionate thoughts instead of being ready for battle. Supposedly, we can only think one thought at a time. If someone at work is harassing you or making you feel uncomfortable, go to work with the thought of how you feel sorry for the person who needs to be such a jerk all the time. You’d be surprised how our energy and thought wavelengths can affect others. I did this around the people who were jerks to me, and it worked! I put the thought of feeling compassion and sympathy for them in my mind and didn’t let any negativity seep in. What resulted was a pleasant experience.
4. Feel confident. Imagine a lead shield protecting you, and nothing could get through. Put your shoulders back, head up high and plant a big smile. Any interaction you have will amaze you. When you are speaking to someone, put your hands on your hips. It’s called the Superman pose, and it instantly gives you a sense of confidence and power. Try it! It works!
5. If nothing else works, I’m afraid you have to get them out of your life. Jerks will bring you down and cause you pain; you don’t deserve that. Sometimes it’s necessary to pull the weeds out of your garden to have a more beautiful crop.

I’m grateful I’m not a jerk anymore. I learned the lessons I needed to know and have moved on into a more compassionate role as a person. It took many years of facing the truth and dealing with denial, but I got through it, thankfully. We need to be more aware of our words, actions, and how we treat others. Pay close attention to your words, and watch the expression on people’s faces; that’ll be the gauge for you to know if you just insulted someone or made their day.

Thank you for reading this.

May you surround yourself with positive people and your life is jerk-free,

Francesca