So many things affect how we see ourselves. We have been bombarded since birth with messages that go into our subconscious mind and form how we think, act, and believe about ourselves.

I’ve been lost. For many years, I felt like I was living in a pinball machine, bouncing from one thing to the next, never getting anywhere near where I wanted to be in life. The therapist I see told me that I’m avoiding something and that I need to figure it out in order to move on. She is right. I didn’t know what I was avoiding until I took the time to figure it out.

One thing that came up is how I have been with the wrong tribe for most of my life. A tribe, defined by Merriam-Webster, is “a social group composed chiefly of numerous families, clans, or generations having a shared ancestry and language” and also “a group of persons having a common character, occupation, or interest.”

When we’re born, we are part of our family tribe, and as we grow, we find new tribes to associate with. Hopefully, as we get older, we evolve and find new tribes that better suit our interests and who we are.

One thing I’ve learned is that who we allow in our lives is a reflection of what we think about ourselves.  As kids, we have one tribe, then move into another tribe in high school, then find another tribe post-school, and so on and on.  The most important thing is to feel like you’re with the right tribe now.  And it doesn’t matter if your family is the tribe you were born into; if you do not feel good being around them, then you’re not in the right tribe. I had to learn that lesson to save myself.

We know we’re with the right tribe when we feel good around the people in it. We don’t feel insecure. We say what we want to say without holding back or rethinking it.  There’s an unspoken respect from everyone in it, and we feel like we are enough and we matter.

That is the tribe we all belong in. And since there are so many different people, there are many, many tribes. You probably wouldn’t see an Olympic athlete in a tribe of foodies. Yet, we subject ourselves to being in a tribe that doesn’t support our purpose or our life. When I did the self-work to figure out what I was avoiding, I realized that the reason I continued in the tribes I’d been in was because of fear and my own insecurities.

Tribes can give us a sense of security because there are other people in it, and if we need anything, we know we can get that from someone in the tribe. That’s a safety net. Even though those things are good and can save us from harm, they can also keep us stuck. We become paralyzed by fear, and we don’t move or evolve because we didn’t develop the courage muscle we need. Being in the tribe stifled our need to have it. We became complacent and settled.

Here are a few suggestions to ask yourself to see if you’re with the best tribe for you:

1. How do you feel when with your tribe? (be honest, dig deep)
2. Do you have peace of mind when you think about your tribe?
3. Does it feel like you are all growing and evolving together, or are you outgrowing them?
4. Do the people you associate with support you and see you for who you are?
5. Do you feel confident and good being around them?
6. When you leave them, do you feel like you were judged?
7. Do you receive praise or criticism?
8. Are you dealing with a two-way street where you get what you give?
9. How do the people in your tribe accept your good news or happiness? How do they deal with your misfortunes or sad events?
10. Do you honestly believe they have your best interests at heart?

 

Answering these questions honestly is going to help you discern if you are with the right people. I had to leave tribes because I didn’t feel good in them. That is perfectly okay to do! I wish I learned that sooner but we learn when we’re ready. We need to give ourselves a break and realize we are doing the best that we can at any given moment. Taking that pressure off of us helps us to pay closer attention to what matters – our happiness.

Thank you for reading this. Again, I hope I offered something to think about to help create happy lives. That, to me, is the meaning of life.

To our tribe,

Francesca