I was asked the question, “Are you happy?” and I replied, “Of course, I am!” I took a second and replied again, “I might not be too happy with my job at the moment but I’m still happy.”  No, that didn’t fly either. So how do I know I’m happy if I’m not happy with my job? Oh boy, I had to figure this out!

My first question was, what does it mean to be happy?

Merriam-Webster defines happiness as 1) notably fitting, effective, or well adapted, 2) enjoying or characterized by well-being and contentment, and 3) glad, pleased.  (There are more definitions but we got the gist.)

Then, if we look at the definitions of what happiness is, we can make an assessment of how we can gauge the feeling we have inside. Are you content? Glad? Pleased?  Can’t we be happy for part of the time and still be okay with that?  I mean, we can have a great day and feel elated. You feel happy. But we all live lives and things can happen, sometimes out of our control, and that can rip away good moments of happiness, and then we feel like we are down in the muck again trying to crawl our way out.

Some of us just give up and want to hang out in the muck. It may feel familiar, like something you experienced in your family growing up, and no matter how awful something feels, it’s still okay, because you’ve felt it before.  I know, I was there in the muck for a very long time. Hey, it’s cozy there! There are other people you know, you don’t have to grow or take chances or try something new, you don’t have to think about having your own ideas or thoughts, or better yet, you don’t have to go after the life you’ve dreamt about, you know, work at it. Nope, you just make peace (or excuses) with your life and settle into the muck.

Sure, that may be an answer on how to find happiness, and since there are no wrong answers when it comes to individual feelings, you may be perfectly okay with your life just the way it is, and that is okay. But what if there’s this pesky thought that keeps popping up in your brain every once in a while and you don’t like how it makes you feel? Some will try to numb it with some external thing, to help squash the discomfort. You want to slide back into the muck and forget about any silly thoughts of raising your standards or changing your life.

But there’s got to be something that irritates us enough, makes us question what is happening in our lives, sometimes repeatedly and it could go on for years before we realize, hey this is not good for me anymore. Suddenly, the muck doesn’t feel too good. You start to think you deserve better. You give a good heave hoe to your left leg attempting to free yourself out of the muck of your past and you get one leg out, only to be told by your brain, “Wait a minute! Where do you think you’re going?” Who knew the muck had a voice? Oh, it does and it’s talking loudly in your head to drag you back to comfort and safety. And it does feel good temporarily, don’t let that fool you, but gosh darn it feels comfortable!

Our experiences shape how we view our world. We may not even know we are living by the grooves in our vinyl records created especially for us.  We were kids and teenagers and then adults making new memories every day. You can say each day is the same but trust me, it’s not. There are subtle nuances that make each day new and different. Maybe you didn’t hit the snooze when you woke up or ran into an old friend, something had changed that you were okay with. It was a small change and it seemed insignificant, and you didn’t give it a second thought. Maybe you continued on your day complaining about this or that. Or, you just check out of life and follow some script you learned in the muck and don’t allow yourself to entertain your own thoughts. You get your daily dose of excitement from others and don’t have a need to look inside yourself for anything.

If we could hear ourselves talk just for one day, like getting a recording of ourselves, would it show us living life happy?  Maybe it would and that’s great for you!  But most souls, as Henry David Thoreau said, “live lives of quiet desperation.”

Being the curious person that I am, I want to know how to achieve total happiness, and throughout most of my life, I have given it my best shot to figure out how.

I thought it was having a great career where you earn a lot of money and can buy the dream house you’ve always wanted.  I’ve also thought happiness was having said money and being free to travel, shop in Paris, chose the best car, shoes, whatever.  And trust me, those are all wonderful things to have in your life, but they still cannot guarantee lasting happiness. And yes, I know, money can buy freedom, so isn’t that happiness? I think it is, but then again, I’ve done a lot of self-work to clear out the muck so as not to be swayed by trinkets and shiny things as a means to feel happy. Guess what? Been there, done that, and all it gave me was a distraction, more stuff to “manage,” and that kept pushing me down back into the muck.

So, then, how can we achieve happiness?

1. Think that you are happy. Yep, tell yourself every single day, “I feel happy” or “I chose to be happy right now.” You would be very surprised how your mood can change just by thinking those thoughts. It is even more impactful when you speak it out loud, especially looking at your reflection in the mirror. You are telling yourself that you mean business!

2. Get into the habit (start off small if you are new to this idea) of being thankful for what you already have. I know this may sound silly that you already have it so why do you have to be thankful for it? Because, by being appreciative of what you already have, you open the door for more things to come into your life that you can be thankful for.

3. Be around other happy people. You’ve heard the expression, “Happiness is contagious.” It’s true. Have you ever been around someone laughing, and even if you don’t know why they are laughing, it somehow makes you feel good?  Even if it doesn’t make you want to laugh, it may make you smile.

4. Live in the moment. When we complain about yesterday or fear the future, yep, you guessed it, we are not living in the present moment. This does two things. 1) it makes time move really fast and 2) it doesn’t add any value to our present.  When we live in the past, we rehash old news. When we think about the future and worry, we are limiting our possibilities.

5) Don’t compare yourself to anyone else and celebrate who YOU are. What cool things do you bring to the world? It has to be something good because we all have something to contribute to the world. I find writing down the qualities you have, the things you like to do, and what brings you joy is a great place to start to discover the wonders of who you are. Do not ever discount yourself and think you can’t be, do, or have what you really want because of some flaw, roadblock, or some other cockamamie story you learned from those closest to you.

Look, I’m not a guru on all things happy, and I would never profess to know everything (I’ll be forever learning) but I know some things and have experienced enough life that I can confidently share that being happy is one hundred percent a state of mind. It’s not found in another person, a car, a new job, or even in the carton of some gooey ice cream, it’s found within our minds.  If ice cream makes you happy, then eat it! If you feel happier driving on rural roads instead of highways, do it! And please, don’t waste another second of your life caring about what someone else thinks about your choices.  Your #1 priority in this life is to do what makes you happy, and as long as you are not hurting someone else, do not worry about what anyone else thinks about it.

Take a deep breath and think, I am breathing in joy. Then breathe out and think, I am releasing pain.  This works awesome for physical pain too.

To your happiness,

Francesca