People are bullies for the simple reason they do not want to get hurt again. They say or do things to hurt another person (most times without thinking it through), so they don’t have a chance of getting hurt.

Think about it. Bullies were once hurt, and it doesn’t feel good to them. They couldn’t stop other people (most likely family) from giving them zingers, again and again, that hurt, so they live with anxiety and are on edge, hoping it won’t happen again. And then there is the last straw. The one where their brain screams, “Fight back!”

When you’re a bully, you try to deflect all pain off yourself without regard if someone else gets hurt. You’ve learned to turn off that part of your pain that feels compassion for another person.

Yes, we all say silly or hurtful things here and there. We’re human. Does that make all of us bullies? I don’t think so. It depends on if the person feels bad for saying or doing something that hurt, is genuinely sorry and takes responsibility for their part, and makes a valiant effort not to repeat the same action, thereby learning from the mistake and evolving.

Here are some variations of bullies.

You have the full-time bully who walks through life as if God gave them a bad deal so that they will mistreat everyone. It’s funny how this type of person gets glorified in the media. Look at Karen from the Will & Grace television show. A wealthy, bored wife takes on a receptionist position at an interior design firm and bullies Grace, the interior designer, her boss. Was Karen an ass because she was shallow, petty, and bullied for fun? No, the character was flawed, even wearing Prada and Jimmy Choo shoes. We saw Karen fall and be a lovely human again.

Then there’s the part-time bully. This person is generally nice, but you never know when a zinger is coming. This is the person who says they are confident but are really insecure. Anything that causes them a threat will result in getting hurt by this one. It goes along with passive-aggressive behavior. An example of a PT bully is a boss who is nice and respectful to their employees, but if you catch them off-guard or threaten their comfortableness (I don’t know if that’s a word), you’re getting hit by the bully train. That’s when words come out that hurt. But the next day, they forget or want to forget it happened and return to being nice.

The seasonal bully is, of course, the family member you see on holidays or special occasions, and they just can’t help themselves from falling into old behaviors and bullying. Think Uncle Chuck had too much to drink and can’t (or won’t) keep his mouth shut.

The freelance or contractor bully is the one who doesn’t really do it a lot. When they get pushed too far (and have to be in a situation with someone for a short time), they push back and do some bullying of their own to set the dynamics of the relationship back in order (like an even teeter-totter). Parents can be this type of bully. This person loses their patience with someone, like with a child or a store clerk – easy targets, and makes it known of their distaste or dissatisfaction.

The intern bully is the person who finds themselves in a scary or new situation and wants to appear tough so as not to get taken advantage of, so they try to emulate other bullies they know to get what they want. Thankfully, this wears off when they move on to better things and are happier with life.

And, last, we have the rehabilitated or retired bullies who put in the time to work on themselves and have reformed. They just want to live out their lives in peace. We like this one!

I don’t think I’ve been a bully because I’ve been bullied. Knowing that kind of pain made me more aware of it, and I could never be a person who hurts someone else to avoid me feeling pain. However, issues arise in this unbalanced world because the people who consider other people’s feelings or don’t speak up as they should seem to have a sign on them that only bullies can see to make it okay for them to hurt them. Bullies require (what they see as) an easy target who won’t fight back. It’s easy for parents to become bullies to their children because they are authority figures. And because parents feel a lot of pressure and stress, bullying might be a by-product of that, and they don’t mean to do it or don’t even know they are doing it.

These are my ideas, not based on any mental health notion. I have absorbed a lot in my years from many sources and have some wisdom I need to share. I’ve been learning (and living it), so I could write things like this and feel comfortable sharing.

Thank you for reading, and please comment if you have any other ideas about this topic. I’d love to read them.

To help end bullying,

Francesca