My last blog was about life beats. I wrote about how life has ups and downs, like the beating of our hearts. There’s even a neat video of a heartbeat that sounds cool. Check it out here. 

The other day, I fell emotionally, and I fell hard. I wanted to give up. I said the words out loud to my husband, “I’m giving up on my dream and getting a job I loathe like so many others and answer ‘living the dream’ sarcastically when asked how I’m doing.” He was sad that I said that. He told me not to give up. I felt like there was no rope left to hold onto, and it was time to face reality and realize the dream wasn’t going to happen as I wanted.

I knew I felt stressed out, but I didn’t know how to change it. Tears shed every day helps to shed the angst and release the tension. I’ve been like a teapot whistling really loudly, allowing the past to keep defining me.

A few months ago, I quit a job I had for nineteen years (that I didn’t like) and now have no money coming in. Nothing. Zero. My husband pays all the bills and buys what we need. The deal was I’d work to get my books published, get more eyes on my blog, ears on the Funny Lady Life podcast I do with my husband, and help with his business (house stuff, too). My husband was giving me the chance of a lifetime – to be able to focus on my dream and make sure it happens. But instead of celebrating that gift, I’ve been feeling unworthy of such generosity and filled with too much worry, doubt, and a sense of lack. My husband is stretched to the limit financially and is doing an amazing job keeping us afloat. He’s doing that because he believes in me.

You know what I’ve been giving back? Promises. Promises, like I told my cat in her last moments on earth, “I promise I’ll send my work out.” That was ten years ago. Ask me how many agents and publishers I sent out my work to since then. Thirteen. I once read that Stephen King had hundreds of rejections for his work. He gave up and threw Carrie, his first novel, in the garbage. His wife pulled it out and sent it to an agent or publisher, I’m not sure which. He got a fine publishing deal for that book that changed his life.  He took hundreds of chances before he gave up. I took thirteen.

Don’t give up on your dreams if they’re something you think about all the time. Our intuition prompts us to pursue what makes us excited and happy. I focused on the lack of money instead of the creative projects already done that needed attention. Instead of taking chances and going after my dreams, I’ve been playing it “safe” and protecting my dreams from any tarnish or knicks, keeping them locked in a filing cabinet.

My dreams have been sleeping in file folders, waiting for me to open the drawer and set them free.

I’ve been writing this blog for several years now (twice a week), but it has gotten lackluster attention. It hurts to see only a few people reading it, knowing how much vulnerability it took to share my life, not to mention the effort and time I put into it without earning a cent. For a time, I didn’t care that much. I wanted to get my words out there badly because I was tired of hiding. I wanted to be seen for who I am—the real me.

However, I blamed a lack of confidence and time and didn’t make a valent effort to promote my work. I thought my blogs might magically gain steam because the words inspired me. But, like all self-doubters, I began to think that what I write isn’t as valuable as I think it is.

I’m always checking in on myself with my ego, and the wrong messages I learned in childhood make my mind go straight to “not good enough.” Last week, I told my husband (during the “I’m giving up” emotional breakdown) that there were a lot of people out there who would be satisfied to see me fail and that I was going to give them what they wanted.

Wow! I told you I fell hard. It’s sad writing this, but it’s the truth.

We may stumble and fall. But we need to pick ourselves up again and again until we’re standing tall – and nothing or nobody will knock us down again.

Deep in my mind, I believed I wasn’t worth much (put there when I was a child who didn’t know any better). Through a lot of internal work, I realized (for real) that I was the only one who could change those thoughts. All the work I’d been doing to heal my mind and my state of being has been paying off. I realize that doubt, shame, and feeling unworthy is a byproduct of being around a lot of hurt people.

Children learn by experience through listening, seeing, and feeling. What gets put in has to come out. And everyone processes things differently. The little bully, the non-assertive kid, or the kid who lies just so others like her have all been exposed to some form of bullying that left them helpless to know any other way.

All children deserve support, love, and understanding. When a child has that, they believe in themselves, go after their dreams, and conquer goals.  They have confidence and love their authentic selves. I hid my talent and gifts from my family so as not to make them feel uncomfortable and say and do things that hurt me. I’m a strong person as a result of it, but that doesn’t mean I don’t wish I had a supportive family. I’d be grateful for a loving and supportive “framily.” I heard that term from “Queer Eye” on Netflix when they were talking about friends being their family because their families wouldn’t accept them.

I wanted to give up on my dreams because I let negativity cloud my judgment. Once again, I rejected myself and drove down the “not good enough” road. It took me a little bit, but I turned my thoughts around.

Anytime we choose to take the opinion or perception of someone else above what we think about ourselves, we are, in effect, rejecting ourselves.

It should be common sense, right? But it hasn’t been for me. I wasn’t groomed to love and appreciate myself. I think a lot of us weren’t.

So, here I am writing these blogs to show that it’s possible to change our thinking to what serves us well. The first thought to change is that we are good enough. Once we believe that, it’s game over for the negativity we learned.

That belief shows us we can do anything we set our mind to, and other people’s opinions and judgments do not matter. I know changing our mindset is hard to do, but it’s worth it to give it a try.

Life can be tough, I know, and we may want to give in and give up.

If you can believe this, you will never give up.

We were born unique, special individuals who have something good and interesting to give to the world. It could be as small as being kind to strangers or as grand as painting the ceiling of a famous chapel. Our dreams are who we are, and it’s okay to honor ourselves.

I won’t give up on my dreams, and neither should you! I’m sharing my gifts. It’s freakin’ scary. Yeah, I’m doing it, but it took me many, many years to get here. The first steps are always the hardest. So, pull yourself up, dust yourself off, and give yourself a pat on the tush to get moving to make your dreams a reality.

Thank you for reading this. Please leave a comment about how you are attaining your dreams.

To our dreams,

Francesca