I’m giving myself the tsk tsk, you know, like when your mother or someone judgy looks at you, shaking their head to show you that you did something wrong. Yep, I’m giving myself that.

Why? What did I do that’s so wrong?

I’m sharing this because it might help someone else. I’ve carried this burden long enough, and I think many of us have, too.

I’ve been living like a child. Yep, that’s right. I’m a grown, middle-aged woman, but I have been thinking and acting like my child self.

Wait? What? How’s that, you ask?

Well, look at my life. Am I happy? No. Am I content? Hell, no! Am I satisfied with where my life is right now? No.

But how could that be? I have a wonderful, loving, faithful husband whom I adore. We are healthy, can walk well, and have a positive outlook on life. We own (well, almost) a single-family home.  And those I love seem to be healthy and doing well.

So, what do I have to squawk about?

That’s where the tsk tsk comes in. I have been acting like my child self, working on the old programs I learned as a child. As a result, my life has become stuck in a loop of excuses, blaming low-importance tasks as to why I’m not where I desire in my life. After years of therapy and helping myself overcome the past by reading books, watching YouTube videos with personal development gurus, and lots of self-reflection, I now understand why that is. I’m at the stage now where I have to move and do something to change.

Hey, change is hard! It takes focus and motivation, which are traits of a person who loves themselves. They don’t need approval or validation. Who they are is enough.

When we handle life through the lens of a child, we don’t know how to love ourselves and look to others for approval and worthiness.  Children want to please their parents innately. Most of today’s children don’t get the attention they require to establish a bond with a parent. Look around. Do you see a lot of parents interacting with their children? Many seem to be too busy on their screens.

I feel so sorry for the children today. Really, I do. Many are not getting the required attention to feel whole like a human being needs to feel to be okay. I am so thankful I grew up before this altered universe took hold like it has today.  I’m sure many children today don’t have the proper coping mechanisms to deal with emotions because their screens have taught them how to be numb.

But back to me and my childlike ways.

Kids can have irrational fears—there’s a monster under my bed! If a parent or caretaker doesn’t explain that those fears are not real and that they can’t be hurt, how does the child know any better?

That was me. Full of anxiety and fears brought about by my life as a kid. And there was no one there to tell me any different. The coping mechanism I had, where I did what I was told to avoid punishment, protected me. I realized I had been still doing that.

Yesterday, I went for a walk. It was a beautiful fall day. I was singing as I love to do with the music in my ears. I thought – and this is such a childish way of thinking – that someone is going to call the cops on me for disturbing the peace. Swear to God – I thought that and stopped singing. I wasn’t singing loud. It was the afternoon. Yet, I felt that I was doing something wrong and would get in trouble for it.

Wow! That is flucked up.

I thought if a child who loves themselves and was raised with praise and positive acknowledgment of them were walking down a street singing, no one would care. They might think it’s cute. I shared these thoughts with my husband, and he said I think this way because of my upbringing with so much judgment from my family. He’s right. The child in me wants to coward down and be invisible to avoid any trouble.

When I’ve sung on stage I felt I was lacking somehow. I felt terrified I’d forget the words and fudged up or I worried if I was singing too loud. I couldn’t let go and be that little girl walking up the alley and singing without giving one thought to anyone else around. For me, as a child, there was always a price to pay for singing or playing my trumpet.  I was screamed at to stop singing or playing. Even as a teenager, I was told at parties to shut up when I sang along to music quietly, just enjoying the music. It seemed when I sang, I was in the way. I found my peace going into the woods to sing or practice my trumpet. And that peace was taken from me, too.

I had no choice as a child but to protect myself at all costs. I was an intelligent and creative kid who absorbed everything. The words thrown at me got sucked into my subconscious mind as being truth, and that’s what became my operating system. It was an operating system made from lies and someone else’s insecurity and pain. Regardless, whatever our subconscious mind believes becomes who we are.

Knowing this, I had to figure out how to change my subconscious mind. It’s been a long journey, and I can’t say I’ve fully updated the program to the best version yet, but it’s getting pretty close. At least now, I am aware of my thoughts and actions. Years ago, I was even more in the dark, and I did and said things like a well-played puppet.

Would you believe that when I was a teenager, I could not look at myself in the mirror or store window? I couldn’t. I didn’t want to see my reflection. It would reinforce the hatred I had for myself. I mean, there I was a kid who just wanted to be me and a lot of people had a problem with that and made it known every chance they got. Truth. Truth. Truth. Now I look at myself in the mirror and smile. I love who I see. I matter. I am special. And I am here doing this blog to show we can heal and change. So don’t ever give up!

The process of truly healing past pain involves feeling the pain and allowing yourself time to grieve. You are grieving an old life. That is sad, and it’s okay to cry it out. Crying out releases the power and energy it has over us. It’s like slowly emptying the air of a balloon. Hearing that high-pitched sound causes pain in our ears, but when the air is out, the job is done.

To grow up means to show up. We show up for our present selves by living the life we choose. That may involve taking action (walking to lose weight, talking to your partner about your feelings to make the relationship closer, sticking up for yourself and honoring yourself by taking good care of your body, starting that business, or whatever you want) to show yourself you do matter! You are not a child having to answer to others. Honor you. Show up for you. Believe in you.

The more we act like adults and create healthy boundaries, have better self-talk, and take better care of our bodies, the more we grow, are happier, and are at peace with ourselves.

Thank you for reading. I sincerely hope I’ve given you some good food for thought.

To stopping the tsk tsk,

Francesca