While surfing the information highway, I came across a writer from Philadelphia with several books published. She has a website and writes blogs. I didn’t feel jealous or envious but celebrated her success. I found it inspiring that I can do that, too. I even fantasized about being friends with her. I found her page for a reason.

I had another blog almost done but elected to write this today instead. I needed to write this, and I believe somebody out there needs to read it.

This morning, I woke with a burning sensation in my throat. I got out of bed and hobbled to the bathroom because my right knee was double the size of my other one (from overuse), and it hurt. I went about my routine, opening the blinds for the plants, saying good morning to them, making coffee, tidying up, etc. Fifty minutes had gone by since I woke up, and I sat at my desk with my water and coffee to write.

With my citrine crystal in my left hand and my crucifix in my right, I began to say my prayers but cried – a hard, sobbing, gut-wrenching cry. It’s because I want to be living my dream. I have to be honest because if I am ever going to see success with my work, I need to embrace the real me, or no one else will. This has been happening on and off for about a year or so. It comes on, and I can’t stop it. After, I feel a sense of calm from releasing all that pent up negative energy and angst I had floating around in my head.  And I feel like I shed a layer and grew a little – evolved into a better version of myself.

What snapped me out of it today was seeing the ceramic FAITH sign on the bookshelf in my office.

I looked at the book on my desk, The Power of Your Subconscious Mind, by Joseph Murphy, Ph.D., D.D., and recalled him writing about having faith. I didn’t totally get it when I read those words, but seeing that sign today made me pause. I realized something.

What was happening to me with the burning in my throat and knee pain could be prevented. I needed to take better care of myself. I thought about how I don’t use my exercise bike in the house or the many exercise DVDs or the weights or other exercise equipment I purchased with the intent of getting into better shape. I didn’t touch them. I had an untouched exercise ball sitting in the front living room for about six months. I’m going to write this slower to get it drilled into my head – I did not use all those things. Well, until I had asked my friend if she wanted to do an exercise DVD here, so we’ve been doing them together. She’s not here, and nothing happens. Wow, the layer is a-peelin’!

I need to have a little faith in a higher power, self, subconscious, or whatever you want to call it that guides you. Having faith means you can give up the tight reigns and loosen your grip on your problems, angst, or issues. I know I am wrapped tighter than a brand-new Slinky. I’ve been fighting life instead of living it. That’s when you’re in a continuous state of worry, anger, panic, desperation, etc.

Having faith, genuine faith – is not what I’ve apparently been doing where I said I believed but still fought it with negative thoughts of scarcity and not being good enough. Okay, that bullshit is over, I promise! I’m doing all I can to remove those thoughts from my mind and have faith, complete faith. I’m leaping. It’s going to be okay.

But back to this lack of caring about myself (I’m not a fan of the term “self-care,” so I won’t use it. It invokes an image of a gypsy woman hugging herself, and I don’t know why!) I have not been caring for myself as I should. Today, I realized I only have this one body and it’s up to me to take good care of it to last me a long time. I have a lot of things to accomplish and deserve a body that gives me energy and freedom from pain. We all do. And that means taking care of the one we got.

My daughter got me a beautiful meditation cushion for my birthday. I have used it once in the last 30 days (since I received it). My head just went down, and I’m shaking my head back and forth gingerly. There goes another layer! Woohoo.

Thank you for going along on this journey with me. I appreciate you all so much for reading my words. You have no idea.

I’m holding myself accountable here, sharing these truths. This reinforcement of my sharing it publically helps me to keep focused on taking care of myself. When we don’t like ourselves for whatever reason, we tend to do crappy things to ourselves, like eat crap, not exercise, and have an addiction issue to whatever. Apparently, I’ve been addicted to avoidance. Until recently, I was not able to go inside and find out why I didn’t like myself. It’s been liberating knowing I have a choice. I can choose to be or do what I need to do to take care of myself. And I can choose to have faith that everything will work out just as I desire.

Have a little faith. It doesn’t take an all-encompassing massive amount of faith to make a change. A little goes a long way. You’ll build your faith muscle like I’m doing. Just believe that you’re not alone and there’s always a way. That’s what I do.

I’m writing these words to share what I have learned and continue to learn as I move through my life. Life is complicated, but we can manage it better when we have faith.

I’m going to close this with a quote my husband created today. “If you disagree with the past, change the present.” That is incredible advice. 🙂

To faith,

Francesca