My husband and I went to see a friend’s band play live on an outdoor deck at a bar/restaurant. Before we got there, rain had hit hard, and all the tables not under a roof got soaked. We found two dry seats in an upstairs area that was partially covered. We couldn’t hear the band well, but we heard them.

It was terribly hot and humid. When it began to rain again, I welcomed the cool mist. Then the wind picked up, and yep, the torrential rains came. The roof did nothing to protect us from the rain, and the other people around us on the second level decided to find shelter fast. So, we followed suit.

Now, we all know that rain on a painted wooden deck and steps are ultra slippery, so I was taking my time, especially given my ankle injury years ago. A young woman was screaming – and I mean screaming like the chainsaw guy was after her. She came up from behind me, screaming, “Move faster!” I did not.

Thinking about what to write today, I saw that young woman in my mind, and her screaming fit because she was getting wet. Maybe she was related to the Wicked Witch of the West.

Whatever the reason, she was having a time, and it led me to write this post.

As a little kid, I was an actor. I had to be because if I was my authentic self, then I believed everyone could see my flaws and how awful I was. I believed those lies because that’s the information and feedback I was exposed to back then. It seemed that everywhere I went, there was someone with an issue with me. At school, I talked too much. Home, I didn’t answer quickly enough, or I wasn’t smiling. Grandparents, I was always doing something wrong, like drinking too loud or not holding the crochet needle correctly. I learned to be an actor to protect myself.

As an actor, I got to be whoever I wanted. In third grade, I wore my brother’s prescription glasses to school (I couldn’t see well out of them) to show a boy I liked that I wore glasses, too. He couldn’t care less, but I put on my finest I-could-see-out-of-these-glasses role. I never did that again.

I grew up quiet and compliant. I’d anticipate what someone needed so that I couldn’t be scolded, mocked, or beaten down. The new acting role I chose was that of the people-pleaser. I had that role for many years, and I have to say it wasn’t fun. I was terrified of criticism and judgment and kept getting more and more of it no matter how hard I tried to be good, kept a nice home and yard, and was generous and kind to the degree of putting someone else over me. I couldn’t get others out of my head and kept up the acting roles to avoid more pain.

I think we all know the players. They are the people who skate through life, getting precisely what they want, sometimes at the expense of another. They appear to live well and set a higher standard for themselves. They could be actors, too, but most just focus on what they want and need. They were either taught at very young ages that they mattered and deserved a good life or the opposite, where they were neglected and felt insecure, which may have led them to become actors in the I’m-going-to-get-what-I want-and-take-care-of-myself role (in various degrees.)

We’re all actors and players in different ways. Somewhere along the line in our lives, we learned to stop trusting ourselves and took on acting roles to serve our needs. I didn’t realize how much this affected my life and happiness until these last few years when I’ve been working overtime to change my mindset and my life. I’m writing these posts to share what I’ve learned that has helped me.

I kept up the acting role, the one where I played the quiet, misguided, unsuccessful woman for way too long, while the authentic me only saw the inside of our home. I learned to stop trusting myself at a very young age, and what I did for protection seemed very necessary. However, I’m an adult and love who I am now. I know it’s okay to be myself. And I know I’m enough.

Anyway, we don’t need to blame anyone for who we are. We take on these roles based on our past, but instead of blaming, we could use that energy to change ourselves. Where does blaming get us? I still do it from time to time and catch myself. I have to tell myself it’s not productive. Learn and move on to what brings happiness instead of being tethered to our pasts we cannot change. Oh, I know it’s difficult to make these changes but you can do it.

That young woman screaming for her life in the rain was acting out a role—the damsel in distress. She was screaming out for attention and probably did it all the time. Panic is a knee-jerk reaction aimed to protect us, but it doesn’t serve us well. I know. Panic attacks are real and can feel like you can’t catch your breath, your face is on fire, it seems like there’s no way out, and you can’t stop it when it happens.  But you can. All it takes is using your mind.

I could’ve yelled out, too, getting pelted with a ton of water and forceful wind, but I kept a cool head, walked cautiously, and it wasn’t a big deal to get wet. Lightening is another story, but I could handle the rain and wind. Our minds can do anything. Seriously, anything. We just need to think about it.

So, to wrap this up, embrace who you are. There’s no one else like you. You have unique talents, ways, and experiences that people want to know. Instead of being actors or players, let’s just be ourselves. I believe the world would be a much better place if we did.

Thank you for reading this. In the comments, let me know if you ever feel like an actor or a player.

To Actors and Players,

Francesca