I woke up this morning with “Crystal Ball” by Styx playing in my head. I started singing it. I couldn’t remember all the lyrics since I hadn’t heard it in a while.  So, I googled them.

When I read the following lyrics, it got me thinking about this blog.

I wonder what tomorrow has in mind for me
Or am I even in it’s mind at all?
Perhaps I’ll get a chance to look ahead and see
Soon as I find myself a crystal ball
Soon as I find myself a crystal ball

What if we had a crystal ball, and all we had to do was look into it to see our future – would we want to know it? I don’t think I would want to. I like to think I can plan and execute my own future. Sure, I like to think that, but I don’t always adhere to the plan. I’m a distracted planner, you know, the one who writes things down and then finds other things to do to take up my time. I’ve tried to figure out what the hell I’m afraid of and where I tell myself I’m still in the dark; I’m not. I know exactly what’s going on.

I’ve repeatedly written this, but it’s because it’s so important. To be healthy-thinking adults, we need to make peace with our past. That can be difficult for some, like myself, who live with so many scars on my mind that have caused me to believe I don’t deserve any better. And it doesn’t help that my parents will not see me or acknowledge who I am. Each time I’m in their presence, it only reinforces my sadness and resentment toward them for not ever encouraging or supporting me with what’s important to me.

Back in May of this year, I gave my mother a copy of a young adult novel I had written. I asked her if she would read it. She had never shown any interest in my writing before, and I felt strong enough to ask her to read it. My mother is an avid reader and could devour a thick, jargon-laden spy novel in a weekend, so giving her a three-hundred-page book geared toward a youthful reader should have been no problem for her. But it was. I had given her four months to read it. She got to page 43. I took it back. It broke my heart. And it’s well-written. I had edited that book to make sure of that. If my daughter wrote a book, I would be thrilled to read it and put everything aside to make time for it.

Sadly, my parents deny who I  am so they can keep up the illusion that I’m what they tried to create: a nothing-special helper. And they have succeeded for too many years. I’m sad for myself that I’ve allowed, as an adult, my parents’ needs to keep me small and stuck, where I keep playing out the same behaviors I did as a child to avoid punishment: be a good helper and keep your mouth shut. Living two houses away makes it even more challenging to live how I want. How many of us revert to a child when we walk into our parents’ home?

I don’t need a crystal ball to know my future because I’ve seen it in my mind. I know what I need to do today to give myself a great tomorrow. The issue lies with the influences around me. It takes me a lot of mental energy to combat the wrong messaging, but that’s what I have to do. We all have to do that to move on in our lives, to be our own crystal balls.

I’m not playing the blame game or writing this to share a boo-hoo attitude but to show that having good people in your life means everything. That’s all I want in my life. good, supportive people who see me.

We can look into our futures anytime we want. It’s called visualizing – that’s our crystal ball. All we have to do is think about our future and see what it’s like. Imagine it in great detail. What does it look like? If you want to live in a particular type of house, see the finishes, imagine feeling the outside of it. What does that feel like? The more detail, the better. That’ll bring it closer and closer to us, and we’ll find ourselves doing things or having the circumstances that make it happen. It’s amazing! Try it.

Pro athletes use visualization all the time.  They see a win or what they need to do. In the last Steelers game, the announcer showed the opposing team’s quarterback sitting on the bench with his eyes closed before the game, and they said he was visualizing. He didn’t win the game, so maybe his visualization, or crystal ball, was off that day. It happens! I’ve been visualizing my future for years, and it’s still not here yet. I have plenty of off days. You can’t expect to visualize something, and it happens precisely or as quickly as you want. It takes practice and time to get good at it. Give yourself some grace if it doesn’t happen fast enough. That’s just the universe helping you to slow down and appreciate and enjoy the moments you have now.  Plus, there’s probably a lesson you need to learn to move on.

Soon as I find myself, a crystal ball implies you don’t have control over your life. I used to think I wanted to see my future and even went to fortune tellers. One was amazing and told me things that did come true. I thought about going to one again, but I don’t need to. I need to plan and execute. That’s our crystal ball. Planning and executing are simple, but the past can sometimes weigh us down and keep us stuck. We need to use our impressive minds to forgive ourselves and visualize the life we want, which removes the weight off us!

Thank you for reading this. We don’t need a crystal ball. We need more belief in ourselves. The way to get there is to be mindful and put our needs first. That’ll bring happiness and peace. I promise you.

To being our own crystal balls,

Francesca