Is the reason why we’re here to belong? We want to belong with someone else in a relationship*. Belong to a career. Belong to a group, organization, church, whatever. Our basic need is to belong.

Social media makes our youth want to belong to the group of social media superstars getting boatloads of money, fame, and attention. Having twenty friends or two likes isn’t good enough. Self-worth is now subsidized by someone liking (or loving) their online stuff. Altered photos share fake images to belong to what? The Pretty People Club? Is there such a club? What’s wrong with the original photo? Or is it that some live online and create an alternate reality?

Kids and too many young females want to look and act like the influencers they see online. They want to belong to that group because they’re getting attention. That’s okay if the reason is built upon existing good self-esteem and not how you think you get self-esteem.

We want to belong to that group of influencers because we see them as iconic role models who seem to have it all together, have what we want, and their lives appear better than ours.

They got me a few times wanting to buy a product (OMG, the planner stuff was out of control) or do an act, like decluttering the house to become a minimalist. Why did I get rid of so many books?

For as long as I can remember, I have been searching to belong somewhere with the right people for me, my tribe. I spent much time alone in the woods, walking through like a wandering soul, looking for a home. I don’t think I’ve found it yet, but I know it’s out there. When I heard the song “Somewhere I Belong” by Linkin Park, it resonated with how I felt. A line from the song, “And I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed,” spoke volumes. And it’s true.

Until we heal, we can’t see where we truly belong.

I never felt like I belonged anywhere. Even when I sang in bands, doing something I loved, I felt inferior, not good enough, that someone knew better, and I didn’t feel free to express myself. There was always a gatekeeper, some real, some in my mind, stopping me from being authentic. I couldn’t belong to anything or anyone if I didn’t know myself first. Otherwise, how can we decide what’s best for ourselves or where we belong if we’re unsure of who we are? It’s worth some thought.

Belonging in a friendship means that two (or more) people respect and care for one another and have similar tastes. To belong as a friend shows another person you want to be around them and want them in your life, and both parties show interest. It can’t be one-sided where one person does the contacting. That’s not a friendship to belong to. Think better of yourself and know you deserve a friend who wants to be there when you need to talk or vent and shows you the same level of thought as you give them. That’s when you know you are with your tribe. A great relationship to belong to is one where you feel welcome, not a burden or an intrusion.

Belonging to a relationship with someone you love is a complicated club for sure. There needs to be mutual respect for it to be a great place to belong. Without respect, what is a relationship? It’s nothing more than a “what can you do for me so that my life is better, but I don’t have to consider your feelings because I’m more important” situation. That’s not healthy or good for us. Please don’t belong to that.

Of course, parents, like myself want to be a member of the “my kid likes and respects me and wants to be close” gang.  Having a healthy relationship with your child is belonging to the best club in human existence. It’s supposed to be an unbreakable bond, but our heads get in the way of our hearts a lot, and we get booted out. All parents make mistakes. But we do the best we know how from our experience. No one gave us a manual at birth that teaches how to raise a child with good self-esteem and self-worth and is happy. I read What to Expect When You’re Expecting and What to Expect the First Year, and both offered good things to know, but I don’t recall it helping raise your child to be happy.

We want to belong to groups of people like us, who think like us, and we feel comfortable around them. When that relationship gets tested, it can be devastating, especially when you didn’t see it coming because you were too busy trusting that you belonged together. When that happens, it’s not uncommon to think about all the other relationships you “belong” to. How many of them are healthy and good for you?  How many are there for convenience or because you don’t want to be alone?

Wanting to belong so badly can sometimes get us in trouble when we realize it’s not what we want, like a job we take because we think it’ll make us happy because it pays well. It’s okay to change our minds and hearts and go where you feel happy.

I’m still looking to belong in the right place, with the right people. I’ll know when I find it because I can relax and be myself.

If you belong to someone or something that makes you feel great being there, that is fantastic! Keep doing that. Those of us still searching for the right place or people to belong to must keep believing it’ll happen when the time is right. Maybe we need to learn something to make that happen or do something different to move the pieces into place. There’s always a good reason why we don’t belong where we want to. It could be as simple as the wheels of motion got stuck and just needed some grease to move it along. Do some action to get the wheel moving!

Thank you for reading, and I hope I brought something of interest for you to consider. Feel free to comment on what you belong to. I’d love to keep this conversation going.

To belonging,

Francesca

* I don’t mean being someone’s property when I write about belonging in a relationship. I am referring to you wanting to be with another person because it makes you feel good, and you know they are with you (belonging) for love.

P.S. Hey, tribe, I’m here waving my hands back and forth.