After my last post, I felt this weird feeling. It wasn’t shame or embarrassment like I felt when I shared my other posts.  It was like something I’d never felt before. It was as if I was a caterpillar shedding the last layer to break free and become a butterfly, and I had an astonishing thought. I didn’t want to live in the past anymore. Because guess what? Any time we replay a voice or memory, we live in the past. And I was doing that a lot of the time. It kept me small, quiet, and barely living in the present.

I mean, think about it, if something hurt you and you replay the scene, you’re feeling the same pain you did when the memory first occurred. You have the same emotion. If you felt small or hurt the first time it happened, how do you feel when you keep replaying it? Most likely, the same, right?

Replaying memories that hurt me kept me tethered to them. I needed to find a way to break free from it, whether it happened thirty years ago or two months ago. I didn’t want to keep carrying the baggage.

I had to evolve, and I feel different now. I needed to get out the yuck publically because I’d kept hidden for so long; I was screaming inside to be free. I was afraid to be myself with all the scars and messy past. That’s why I compared myself to others so much. If I didn’t measure up to someone I thought was better off than me, I didn’t have to try too hard to do the work and take risks. I could live in a safe, small world, complaining about how others had it so much better than me. Until I stopped doing that, which I did, I couldn’t appreciate myself.

I changed my attitude and now genuinely believe that we all do our best with the knowledge and experiences we have at the time. And I also realize it’s okay to let go of your old self (old memories, old pains) and live who you are now. We get to reinvent ourselves any time we want to. Change is good. Try it! Take tiny babydoll steps, and the change will happen so gradually that it’ll feel like it requires little effort. Like if you want to get healthier, start by walking a house length, then to the end of the block, then a few blocks. Work up to goals. That’s the way to guarantee success.

Let’s break free from the need for external approval. The first person we need to please is ourselves. I had always sought approval, chained to the need for people to like me, even as a little girl. In third grade, I once lied to a boy and told him I wore glasses. I did it because he wore glasses, and I wanted him to like me. I borrowed my older brother’s spare glasses and wore them to school. I couldn’t see well, but I thought the boy would instantly like me because I had glasses like him. It didn’t work; I think I got caught by the teacher. It was a relief to give up the scam. I got in trouble at home too. My brain was still developing and growing at nine years old, and that need for approval only worsened as I grew up.

Needing approval as a child is a lot of weight to carry, and it gets even heavier as we age if we don’t address the origin of why we would ever feel like we’re not good enough just being ourselves. As adults, we can recognize this flawed way of thinking and do something to change it.

I’m using my experiences to show how I’ve been there and got myself out of it. I don’t dwell on the past. I tell stories to share what helped me. That’s the deal here.

So bear with me. I have a lot to share. I hope the well never runs dry.

To breaking free,

Francesca