My daughter did a DNA test on her dog, Indy. The results? He’s Rotweiller and Beagle. He has puffy fur and black spots on his tongue, so I think there may be Chow Chow in him. It doesn’t matter what he is. He’s a fuzz ball of sweetness!

But it led to the idea for this blog today. We are mixed and mixed and mixed, so much so that our lineage changes with the times. For example, I am part Sicilian. I don’t speak Italian, but a few generations ago, that’s all my great-grandparents spoke. So what happened?

I think inherently, people strive for a better life. But even that’s gotten watered down because our culture makes things comfortable for people, so striving isn’t necessary to survive. You can get free things from the government based on your income. I know; I’ve been there. I did what I had to do to survive, but just barely enough so I could pass for being okay and happy. I wasn’t happy.

We get the eye color, skin tone, and body physique from our family bloodline, and we also absorb the dysfunction passed down from generation to generation. It’s just how things were unless someone had the foresight to think something was off, not right, and needed to be addressed. That was me. At 14, I asked to go to therapy to talk to someone. Since then, I have been on a journey in therapy to help change my thinking from what I knew to what is right for me.

I know I’m an overthinker. That came from intelligence and trauma, so I must be on guard or prepared for anything. I don’t think those scars ever go away completely. We can live with them the best we know how and try to live comfortably using booze, drugs, shopping, food, and denial so that we don’t have to think about it. (I used shopping, food, and denial as coping mechanisms.)
The “goings on” now in our society have much to do with people trying to grow out of the shadow of their ancestors (family.)  The moment we realize we’ve taken on the baggage of our family and need to grow from it, we have to do the work to rise above and be free of it. Think of the family dynamic as a fertilizer early in life; it gives us information and programs our brains. For dysfunctional families, that fertilizer is full of shame, guilt, and anxiety, and it wants each member to stay at a certain level.

When I went down to my grandparent’s houses (both maternal and paternal), I felt like an outsider, like I didn’t belong there. The most care I got was taking my maternal grandmother to the Jamesway store, and she told me to spray on the tester perfumes because it was free. She was very frugal, and I wanted her approval and love. So every time I took her there, I walked out smelling like a perfume counter. She insisted I try them all, but I don’t recall one I liked. (My favs throughout my life were Lauren Ralph Lauren, Estee Lauder Beautiful, and now Lancome la vie est belle.) The point – that’s the only pleasant memory I have with my maternal grandmother.

But that woman carried so much baggage she could barely stand up straight. I feel sorry for her now, she was living with what she knew. And most of that was passed down throughout the family.

We know someone hurts another because they’re hurting. That’s true, but for some, like me, I went the opposite way – never hurting anyone because I knew what it felt like to be hurt. I knew there was a better way than to perpetuate that learned behavior and messaging: “I’m hurt, so I’m going to hurt you.”  Sadly, it’s taken me a very long time to dig out from the depths of the wrong messaging that kept me stuck, kept me hiding with the pain and shame.

Let’s be more observant of our family and listen for the common words or phrases spoken frequently (this is how prejudices flourish.) Ideologies and perceptions of reality get spread around like thin icing in families, so be careful what you believe. We can decide to grow and evolve instead of staying stuck just by being aware of what feels right or wrong. Then like a caterpillar sheds its cocoon and evolves into a butterfly, we’ll be free to be ourselves. And the more who do that will create a whole new dynamic for our lineage, just like our ancestors did before us.

Think about it. Just changing our way of thinking can affect the next step in evolution, which will create humans that care and respect one another and don’t need to compete (against themselves or others.)

That’s what we need to pass down from one generation to the next, not the guilt and shame that so many families share. Is there a family out there with no guilt or shame? Let’s eradicate those things like the avocado-colored appliances and Pepto pink bathtubs.

It does take a bit of work (as evidenced by my years and years of learning and evolving). But we can all do it. We just have to want to evolve. I didn’t realize how much I have evolved by taking tiny steps that led me here (yes, it took a long time), but I’m here! Wow, I have finally gotten out from behind the shadows and be who I am. Wow, oh wow!

However, we do need to go back and fix the foundation to keep building upward; otherwise, life will never be stable enough to live authentically. Some of our ancestors didn’t know any better. They did what their fathers and mothers did. It went on and on like that. Now’s our chance to change that. Break the cycle. Be willing to take a chance on yourself, not what someone else wants. Think better. Treat people better. Be a better human. Our world needs that right now. (Yes, I used the word “needs,” which implies desperation because we are struggling.)

See, this is how much of an overthinker I am. I want to save our race! That’s too much for one person, but not if everyone is doing it collectively. First, we need to save ourselves; then, like when you’re on a plane and take the oxygen first, we can give it to someone else and let it spread organically.

It’ll happen.

We’re just going through growing pains as a race, but I believe we’ll get there to live peacefully with our families and beyond to other relationships, even the quick ones like the store cashier or neighbor you hardly see. A smile goes a long way, but so few of us do that. I watch people. Not in a creepy way, but I notice the baggage on people. Sadly, I don’t see a lot of smiles. Should we all be like Buddy from Elf, who said, “I like smiling. Smiling’s my favorite.” Well, I think if we all walked around with big Buddy smiles (especially if it was phony), we’d look like an AI in the demo phase.

Life can be simple. If we all treat one another as we want to be treated, our lives would be much healthier and happier. Let’s take tiny steps collectively, and all get better together as one big happy family.

Thank you for reading and appreciating what I’m doing with this blog. XOXO

To evolving to the best version of ourselves,

Francesca