I use this little container from Tupperware to hold Advil and Tylenol in my purse. I got it when I sold Tupperware for a very short time. (Wasn’t for me. I don’t like to ask people to buy things.)  It’s come in handy a few times when I or someone else was suffering and needed pain relief. And it inspired this post.

The person I gave it to trusted that I was giving them an Advil or Tylenol tablet. But unless we were in a perilous situation, we wouldn’t ask a stranger or someone we didn’t know that well for pain relief. And if someone offered you a pill you didn’t ask for, you’d say “no thanks,” even if you knew them, right? Of course!

Just as you wouldn’t accept a pill from a stranger or someone you knew because you know it might harm you, when someone speaks to you negatively or treats you harmfully, it’s okay to “just say no.” I mean, no, that’s not okay.

The word “no” has gotten such a bad rep. It connotates a feeling of rejection, and it has power over us. 

When children say no, they get punished or scolded. If you’re a woman and say “no” with nothing else, people look at you like you are a number one bitch.  If a man says, “No,” with no other words, depending on the circumstances, it’s generally accepted well, but the guy has to be tough to uphold what’s behind the “no.”

No is just a word like any other, yet we have learned (mostly through our childhood upbringing) that it’s a word reserved for only those worthy of using it. For example, a mother can say it to their child, but the child cannot say it to the mother, even under good circumstances like when a child doesn’t want to eat lima beans. At least, that’s how it was in my family when I was a child. I couldn’t use the word “no.” I got in big trouble if I did.

Well, it’s no wonder that, as an adult, I still have trouble saying “no.” I was not taught that it was okay to say it and that nothing terrible would happen.

I wonder how many of us are affected by saying “no.”

Now, I’m not advocating that we say no all the time to get out of responsibility or to please someone we love (in a reciprocal, healthy relationship). I just think we could use a little more “no” in our lives, like seasonings on food. You don’t want to overdo it.

I’m referring to things that pull on your time that you don’t have to do and have something else you want to do, but you say “no” to you and “yes” to something less important.

For me, it’s been saying no to writing and yes to tackling projects like house cleaning, organizing a closet, and decluttering. Gosh, we sure do accumulate a lot of stuff! I realize the issue now is that I need to say “no” to getting anything that is not 100% necessary. We tend to layer on more stuff to the stuff we already have, and it can get overwhelming. At least, for me, it is.

I’ve been working through saying “no” to things to donate or toss stuff. That’s tough too. I seem to have a reason why I need to keep things. I’ve been watching The Minimal Mom on YouTube on living with minimal things, and she’s helped me to say no to things that are not bringing me joy (Marie Kondo created the KonMari method about only keeping things that spark joy.)

We can say “no” to the phone when it rings and we are in the middle of doing something.

We can say “no” to our boss who asks for something more than what we were hired to do.

Say “no” to someone pushing goodies on you when you told her you’re eating healthier.

Say “no” to the voice in your head telling you it’s more fun binge-watching TV on the weekend than doing something more worthwhile that creates an experience or a good result (cleaning). Unless you’ve just worked an exhausting week and need to veg out. That’s different and justifiable. I’m referring to shutting out the world and saying no to everything just because you choose to be lazy.

Another example is saying “no” to pushy people who have an agenda to get you to do what they want and aren’t respectful of what you want.

No is an okay word to use for the examples I’ve shown above. A therapist once told me that “no” is a sentence; you do not need to add anything else. I was shocked! I could never do that. I always needed to explain a “no.” It went like this, “I’m sorry, but no, I can’t.”

It takes power away from just saying no, doesn’t it? But it’s hard to just say no! I’m afraid of hurting someone’s feelings and coming across too harsh.

In a perfect world:

“Hey, Francesca, can you help me get a gopher out of my backyard?”

And I reply, “No.”

Oh dear, I’m getting anxious just thinking of that! Haha! But it’s perfectly okay to say that. Someone asks you a question, and you reply with one word. It should be fine, but our culture has shown us it’s not polite, and people need more of an explanation for “no.” I know when someone told me ” no, “and that was it, I felt uncomfortable, waiting for the “I’m sorry, but…” to follow.

So, the bottom line is, we need to step up our “no” game if we’re feeling disrespected or used and not feel guilty for saying it either. I’ve gotten much better at that. I just can’t say “no,” and that’s it! I don’t know if I’ll ever be a one-word “no” person, but I do respect my boundaries and say no with an explanation.  That’s a wonderful thing, given my inability to say no history.

We’re all smart cookies. Let’s focus on where to say “no” to help us feel happier.

Thank you for reading. Does anyone else feel this way about the word no?

To saying no when you need to,

Francesca