Well, I found out that enough is enough the hard way. While sitting in a packed emergency room, I pondered why did it happen? I wondered, are we capable of bringing negative things to our lives, like getting hurt or having an accident? And the idea for this post was born.

If you were lucky enough to be raised in a positive environment with caretakers who lifted you instead of tearing you down, chances are you are living a pretty good life. Why? Because our little brains absorbed everything around us and process that information in two ways: I am worthy or I don’t deserve it. So, if you experienced a childhood where your needs were met, you were praised and loved, and given the freedom to be yourself, it created a solid foundation of trust, being able to love yourself, and how you process thoughts.

It took me many years to accept myself because there weren’t any mirroring relationships that accepted me for me. To this day, my parents (who I am grateful to still have at 89 and 88) will not acknowledge that I am a writer and singer.  They don’t talk about it and never ever have asked, “What are you working on?” This lead me to feel flawed and shameful of who I was and I felt there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t like my brothers and sisters. And since I wasn’t getting recognition of who I am from my parents, I shut that part of myself down to not only them but almost everyone else to protect myself from more judgment and criticism. I let my vibrant colors fade into bland beige.

So, these last few months have been enlightening to me. It first started after the car accident in January of this year. I could not go home for almost three months because of steps, so I lived with my parents again. I was not working, wheelchair-bound, it was winter – and I was living with my parents and sparks flew more than once! I never felt so trapped in all my life. I had to dig deep into my soul to find the strength to keep my mouth shut about things that hurt me and just appreciate that I had a place to live while I was recuperating. My attitude changed about many things, one being I am not going to deal with disrespect from anyone ever again. I saw my parents for who they are and it gave me a sense of freedom from wanting them to acknowledge me, even though I was physically stuck.  I felt strong as if all the years I’ve spent in therapy, learning, reading self-help and personal development books, and evolving – helped heal what was once broken (my ankle and my soul.) I feel good now, but the little gremlins of self-doubt, worry, and not feeling good enough came out to screw with my life once more.

I had an opportunity to get some vintage fabric my mother had gotten from her aunt. I was excited. They don’t make fabric like that anymore and I would love to sew something beautiful with it. The gremlin whispered, “Take it all. You’ll regret it if you don’t.”

But where would I put it in the small house? I had maxed out the closet space years ago, even with my creative organizing skills, so there was no more room for it.  I had a bookshelf in our spare room that had some things I wasn’t using daily, so I thought I’d put the fabric there. And that’s when a box fell down and hit me on the head!  Oh, wow, did it hurt! It was a decorative box that was probably some type of particle board, and it had some weight to it with things stored in it.  When the corner of it hit my head, it felt like it was a ten-pound bowling ball! I was stunned and hurt. I cried a bit but got composed enough to work on the computer but I felt woozy. After several hours of not feeling well, I elected to go to the Convenient Care location near me only to be told I needed to go to the ER with a head injury. Dang! I did not want to go there and deal with the extreme wait times, but I wanted to be sure there was nothing serious going on. I had a CT scan and everything checked out okay. Thank God!

Boy oh boy did it get me thinking AGAIN about my life. This was no random accident. I was rushing to put things away, knowing I had to get to work at my job and I wasn’t paying close enough attention. I knew the box was on the top shelf and could fall down, but I was focused on getting the fabric on the shelves instead of caring about my welfare. Then I realized that I had done this before when I was burdened by a heaviness of negative thoughts, mostly brought on by triggers of the past. I was thinking earlier that day that I should not have taken the fabric and it was too much to deal with at this time. In other words, I was beating myself up again for the choice I had made. And when we do that to ourselves, it’s so easy for negativity to creep back in and spread around its wrath like lava flowing from a volcano. Hence the accident.

I’ve known for a while that our house can only hold so much stuff. Yes, I’ve fooled myself many times thinking I could be creative in organizing everything well since I like a clean, clutter-free home. What I didn’t realize until recently is the amount of time and energy I’ve been wasting managing the “stuff.” I’m not referring to tchotchkes or knick-knacks, or just junk laying around. No, no, no! I am always recycling, donating, and throwing away, things we don’t need or use.  Though I try not to bring that much stuff into the house, my partner and I do have hobbies and I like books and I believe we deserve to have those things that bring us joy.

I remember George Carlin did a funny bit on having too much stuff.  Here’s the video.  At the time, I didn’t have nearly as much stuff as I do now so I thought it was funny but I couldn’t relate. Well, I do now!

I believe things happen for a reason and when we pay attention to the signs we are given, we are able to understand what is really going on in our lives, if we are receptive to it. It’s almost like we have to be like a radio receiver and get tuned in to the right station, and when we are, we can learn plenty about ourselves, our circumstances, and what we need to do to bring on the happy and let go of the past pain!

Presently, I feel like I’m living in a limbo state. I’ve known for a long time that this house is temporary and I see a vision of our forever home being much larger with adequate closets and storage. When this house was built in the 1930s, there wasn’t a use for big closets or ample storage because they didn’t have as much as we think we need today.  Their clothes were meager and sparse. Not like today when we look in our closets and flip through many hangers before deciding on the right outfit. It’s a different time for sure.

I will admit I have a large collection of books in plastic storage containers with the goal to have a home library in our next home. I’ve been collecting them for many years and couldn’t bear to part with them now. I feel like the next home is so close and I’ve taken such good care of my books that I would be heartbroken to part with them (I even made an Excel spreadsheet to know what I have and which box it’s in!) And since my book collection has overflowed into the house, I cannot buy any more books!

But it got me thinking…

In the days before I moved into this house, I had a few things left to transport from the apartment where my daughter and I lived. There was a chair, a television, and the console the television sat upon that needed to go. That was it. Even though it was many years ago, I remember it well because of the feeling I had. I sat down on that chair and felt a sense of calm and peace. I looked around and there was open space around me with no distracting things to take my focus. I was able to just be.  In all honestly, when that chair and television got moved to where I live now, I never found that sense of peace again. Why? With a lot of stuff around you comes a lot of distractions and the need to maintain or manage them.

Unless we are minimalists, part of our time is spent managing stuff in our homes. We have sentimental items we can’t part with and things we use regularly that can slowly get out of hand if we don’t purge and reduce the amount of stuff we have. I remember a television show called Clean House with Niecy Nash where she would go to people’s houses that were stuffed to the ceiling and she and her team helped the homeowners clean out their houses to live better. She would say to the people, “You have the memory, you don’t need the item too.” I’ll never forget that.  I also watch Hoarders. It makes me want to get rid of stuff every time I see it! So, getting clunked by a box on a bookshelf was a wake-up call that if it’s not bringing me joy (like Marie Kondo says) I need to let it go.

My compromise is to store the fabric in plastic bins in our basement until I have the time to sew. This way I still have it but it’s not taking up space where we live day to day. Is it ideal? No. But it’s what has to be done now. I did donate a lot of it too for someone else to use and I won’t be taking any more stray things into our home that we don’t need! Promise!

The bottom line here is to give yourself some grace, especially if you have been through stuff in your life and you’re doing the best you can. Don’t beat yourself up if you have too much stuff. Do what you can. Be lighter on yourself and accept yourself for who you are. As long as you are not a hoarder, or really have so much stuff it’s affecting your relationships and your happiness, it’s okay!

To a gosh darn, good, happy life,

Francesca